Sunday, August 31, 2008

Sacred Life Sunday: Blooming slowly...


three and a half weeks ago, my dear hubbie brought this plant home. it was a mass of rich green leaves and little white buds. slowly, oh so slowly, the bright pink flowers with the sunshine centres have emerged...
you can see there are still plenty of buds awaiting the right time to bloom, but i'm worried the rest of the plant won't be alive to support them - the flowers are dying as quickly as the new ones appear...
this is such a clear image of where i'm at in my journey of recovery...
most days i feel quite energetic - much more than this time last year when i was sleeping most of the time!! my mind is very busy - i'm reading a lot, thinking a lot, planning a lot... but this is also the most frustrating time!! my physical limitations are even more apparent, with no major improvement in my walking or my right hand... it's just too easy to focus on all that things i still cannot do!!
and too often in my thoughts, i'm afraid to admit, is the deep melancholy of 'just how much time on this earth do i have???' i want to be doing, writing, studying, making the most of my days NOW, while i have the time, but i'm so physically limited... i'm afraid i'll never be able to achieve even half of the things my mind wants to!
i know part of this attitude is the onset of midlife anxiety, but it just feels much more acute when i feel so let down by my own body!! i'm so worried it simply won't support me enough to really bloom, to be the person i want to be...
but this is where i need to heed my own counsel...
i'm trying to raise my kids to keep hold of the mindset they were born with, and are already starting to lose (aged almost 13 and 10) - the only important time is right now!! i want them to remember that feeling when they were two years old, jumping in puddles, without a care in the world, where every little thing was sooooo interesting, where a walk to the end of the street was a great expedition, and it took two hours to look at and smell and touch and taste everything (until mummy quickly took it out of your mouth!!)
this is what the plant's doing. it's not worrying about all the buds yet to bloom, it's just living... it doesn't worry about all it can't do, it just is... and this is where i need to be - letting my whole person just be... not trying to plan, to achieve, to make some mark... just living, and being, and oh, so slowly, blooming, moment by moment...

7 Comments:

At 4:23 pm , Blogger Denise said...

A lovely picture Claire. So very very true.
Thanks so much for this.
Dxxx

 
At 6:23 pm , Blogger Rick Hamrick said...

Claire--it is so simple, yet can be so hard to accept: start where you are.

It's exactly what you teach your kids.

Are you satisfied with the problems you face? Not at all, nor should you be. But before you can make any progress, you have to pause and acknowledge where you are, and know that's the only place from whence you may start!

All that energy which others pour into bemoaning their fate? Spend it, instead, on practical measures which improve your life right now.

I know that you know all of this Claire! It's just a reminder from the Universe, that's all.

 
At 2:19 pm , Blogger Judi said...

I followed the link to your blog from Tina's Diva blog - hope that's ok. I don't know if you've read Ian McEwan's "A child in time" (I'm still part way through) but if you can get hold of a copy, pp 114-115 have a lovely description of a child 'in the moment' - must be the theme for the day, since I read this part only this morning! Judi

 
At 4:22 am , Blogger Olivia said...

I was touched by your post Claire, and by your comparison to the beautiful plant. May you continue to bloom in the now. Love, O

 
At 7:21 pm , Blogger Yolanda said...

A really good post Claire.

 
At 9:33 pm , Blogger poppy m said...

Hi Claire,
Having married a man much older than myself the shortness & unpredictableness of life is always with me. Worrying about changes brought by age or accident are hard to dispel. But as you say - now is the most important time & living now to the full with out comparing our day to those of others seems to be the key - but of course is not easy! Love the blog!

 
At 7:57 pm , Blogger Ritergal said...

I don't share your afflictions, but I do share your frustration at not being able to be all that you know you can be. Right now. Who can? The more we achieve, the larger our dreams become. They are a moving target.

You are blooming now, and coaxing buds on your offshoots. What is more urgent than to love well, with Presence and Awareness, right now?

 

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