Sacred Life Sunday: Blooming slowly...

three and a half weeks ago, my dear hubbie brought this plant home. it was a mass of rich green leaves and little white buds. slowly, oh so slowly, the bright pink flowers with the sunshine centres have emerged...

you can see there are still plenty of buds awaiting the right time to bloom, but i'm worried the rest of the plant won't be alive to support them - the flowers are dying as quickly as the new ones appear...

this is such a clear image of where i'm at in my journey of recovery...

most days i feel quite energetic - much more than this time last year when i was sleeping most of the time!! my mind is very busy - i'm reading a lot, thinking a lot, planning a lot... but this is also the most frustrating time!! my physical limitations are even more apparent, with no major improvement in my walking or my right hand... it's just too easy to focus on all that things i still cannot do!!

and too often in my thoughts, i'm afraid to admit, is the deep melancholy of 'just how much time on this earth do i have???' i want to be doing, writing, studying, making the most of my days NOW, while i have the time, but i'm so physically limited... i'm afraid i'll never be able to achieve even half of the things my mind wants to!

i know part of this attitude is the onset of midlife anxiety, but it just feels much more acute when i feel so let down by my own body!! i'm so worried it simply won't support me enough to really bloom, to be the person i want to be...

but this is where i need to heed my own counsel...

i'm trying to raise my kids to keep hold of the mindset they were born with, and are already starting to lose (aged almost 13 and 10) - the only important time is right now!! i want them to remember that feeling when they were two years old, jumping in puddles, without a care in the world, where every little thing was sooooo interesting, where a walk to the end of the street was a great expedition, and it took two hours to look at and smell and touch and taste everything (until mummy quickly took it out of your mouth!!)

this is what the plant's doing. it's not worrying about all the buds yet to bloom, it's just living... it doesn't worry about all it can't do, it just is... and this is where i need to be - letting my whole person just be... not trying to plan, to achieve, to make some mark... just living, and being, and oh, so slowly, blooming, moment by moment...